Monday, June 30, 2014


today i came to work for the first time in two weeks.
i worked out for the first time in two weeks and have eaten healthier today than i two weeks. i was supposed to feel better about being back in a routine, but instead i feel like i don't belong in this world right now. my mental capacity is about at the max. my stress level is high and i'm just so damn SAD. i'm sad for dave, i'm sad for melissa, i'm sad for barb and lucille. i'm mourning our easy, normal life. because it's anything but normal anymore.
life goes on, i suppose, but right now we are living in a bubble of sadness and fear of the unknown. 
our family sunday lunches are now filled with piles of thank you notes and much-needed yard work at barb's.
our evenings are now full of mason sound phone calls, texts, decisions and more decisions, and trying to stay on top of this bloody master's class.
our pillow talk is now all about the shock and the sadness...and more mason sound.
we are overwhelmed, but we're getting there.
last night after shipping hallie off to camp for three nights (sob), henry and i walked down the lane, picking up gravel and throwing pieces in the pond. dave and i sat on the front porch swing and watched him mow the grass. it was a beautiful night.
it had all the markings of a normal night. but dangit, it wasn't. we're consumed with mason sound and just picking up the pieces. and we'll be doing this for awhile yet. and i hate it.
we miss him so much. i can't forget this experience, and i don't want to. it's still such a shock that i have to reply the last two weeks to remind myself that he truly is gone. not coming back. this is the new normal, for now.
the only silver lining is how this family has bonded together. dave and i have never been closer and i appreciate melissa and chad more than ever. barb is still our rock, whether she knows it or not, and i'm blessed to have them all in my life, and blessed for having the opportunity to know mike for the time that i did.
i want to write more about the love and support from outside of the family too. overwhelming, completely.

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